Modernist: “There is an objective truth and we will understand it if we are methodical and coherent in our approach.”
20th century postmodernist: “You claim objectivity but your history and conscious processing is necessarily biased and subjective. Truth is an ideal that is hard or impossible to achieve.”
Me: “I believe in an objective reality but don’t understand much about it.”
Modernist: “I can teach you.”
21st century postmodernist [to the modernist]: “Keep your metanarrative to yourself. My lived experience shows your position to be a construct of preference and prejudice.”
Anarchist: “Yes. And should be subverted.”
Historian: “Steady on. Your positions have relevance but please be mindful of where your ideas come from.”
Me [addressing the historian, anarchist and 21st century postmodernist]: “I need established order to find my place in this world. I cannot deny the world that pervades my present and my past.”
Max Planck: “That might be harder than you think. I had to get around it by creating a mathematical fudge factor.”
Werner Heisenberg: “He’s right. We have to remember that what we observe is not nature itself but nature exposed to our method of questioning.”
Erwin Schrödinger: “I have an equation that can help you with that.”
20th century postmodernist [to Erwin Schrödinger]: “Sure, but that still left us with a lot of unanswered questions.” [looking to Planck and Heisenberg] “You created a whole new field to extend your chosen narrative.”
21st century postmodernist: “And subject to irrelevance given the constructs from which they arose.”
Religious person: “Everyone, stop worrying! There is a book that guides the soul and connects us with God. That, surely, is far more important.”
Religious fundamentalist: “Yes, there is a book but you must read it really carefully. It is absolute.”
Modernist [to the religious fundamentalist]: “Are you for real?”
Religious fundamentalist [to the modernist]: “Are you for real?”
Modernist: “You’re a fanatic.”
Religious fundamentalist: “You are blind. Your life is emptiness cloaked in a veneer of reason. The parlay of incomplete ideas into politics and society has destroyed millions and disempowered countless more.”
Historian: “Yes.. this needs to be a nuanced conversation. Let’s order lunch.”
[everyone looks at each other]
21st century postmodernist: “Fuck you guys, I’m leaving.”
Anarchist: “Yeah, you guys are so fucked up.” [addressing the modernist and religious fundamentalist] “Next time I see youse, I’m going to fuck youse up.”
Modernist: “This is going nowhere. I have matters of consequence to attend to..”
20th century postmodernist: “I’ll join you.. and check your work.”
Religious fundamentalist: “You will all burn in hell.”
Religious person: “Don’t worry about them.” [getting up and touching me on the shoulder] “I sincerely hope you find your way through this.”
Historian [awkwardly]: “Umm.. that was quick.. .. .. Best be on my way.”
...
Me: “Where’s everyone gone?”
Werner Heisenberg: “I’m already dead.”
Max Planck and Erwin Schrödinger: “So are we.”
Planck, Heisenberg and Schrödinger: “But our work endures. It remains useful.”
…
Me [at the counter]: “I’ll take a ham sandwich to go thanks.”
